she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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