Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Did I show you my penis last night?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
