That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
