I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
