You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
