My Higher Power is John Stamos
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
