I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
