I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
My ass is underappreciated
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Randomize
