She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
