i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
