i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
