Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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