I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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