There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
