I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i used baking grease as lip gloss
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Randomize
