If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
