Just cropdusted the office
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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