Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
