Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
