Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
