My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Randomize
