I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
