Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
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