We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
