Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
