Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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