the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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