I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
