I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
