Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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