If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
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