If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
