forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
