bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
