Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
