his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
