Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
