a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
