WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
