well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
this beer tastes like vomit already
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
