Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
