So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
