I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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