i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She told me I should be a condom model.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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