Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
