Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
