Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
