Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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