Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
