Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
So many bounce houses so little time
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
