I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
